Body Integration at Kripalu
About a year after my topsy turvy experience at Esalen Institute (see Body Awakening at Esalen), I find myself at another solo retreat at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. Situated a couple hours north of New York City and west of Boston, in the Berkshires of Massachusetts, Kripalu teaches a gentle, compassionate yoga approach that emphasizes meditation, healing and spiritual transformation.
If Esalen in the spring was a much needed upturning of my senses, then Kripalu in the shoulder season between summer and fall has been the integration and grounding.
At Esalen, with the backdrop of waves exploding off of rocks and roiling spring waters heated from the earth’s molten core—it unearthed something hidden in my body. Something deep and old that I couldn’t reach sitting alone in meditation, or even in the therapist chair. An embedded fear and shame hidden under years, maybe generations of restriction and trauma.
After having come face to face, I spent the following months becoming closely acquainted with the pain and its manifestation in my life. I’ve learned how to do this inner work within a community of support that includes my therapist, spiritual mentor, other guides and fellow travelers trudging their own path of awakening and transformation. (No one can do the work for us, but we don’t have to do it alone.)
In contrast to Esalen, at Kripalu, with the stabilizing balance of earth, trees, and the still waters of ponds and lakes; through slow, meditative yoga movements weaving the disconnected parts of my self back together through breath and gentle attention—it was like a homecoming. A reunion and reconciliation of my disparate parts.
You see, years ago, in reaction to a chaotic and violent childhood, my mind had staged a coup on the rest of me. It kicked into a militaristic survival mode and took over, with the best intent, to keep me safe and to bring order to my chaotic world.
But powered by the most primitive and undeveloped portion of my brain and propelled by fear, my mind ruled the only way it knew how, as a controlling tyrant. Deeming my heart as a weak liability, it took every opportunity to overshadow her, forming a perimeter meant to protect but in actuality cutting off essential life force—nothing in or out. There, she deteriorated. In a totally understandable act of self-preservation, she put herself into a deep cryogenic sleep.
I have been rehabilitating my heart for many years, and now she’s stronger than ever, gently but firmly stepping right up there next to my mind, placing a warm hand on its shoulder. “It’s going to be ok,” she says. And my mind can now snap out of it and make the “u-turn to freedom,” as Tara Brach likes to say. So they’re working together now.
And my body—my physical manifestation, like a defenseless child, once terrorized by the demanding workhorse of my mind, and cut off from my heart’s balancing compassion—my body suffered. I’d learned to treat it like a beast of burden, rather than an intelligent and vital part of my consciousness.
So when I say it was like a homecoming, it really felt like a family finally coming back together after years of estrangement. My mind returning to the fold like the Prodigal Son, who’d gone rogue in search of his own well being. But also like the older brother—rigid, judgmental, prone to martyrdom—finally coming to his senses and joining the party.
“i’m waking up
from the longest night of my life
it’s been years since i’ve seen the sun”
— Rupi Kaur from Home Body
During a meditative session at Kripalu called somatic sensuality, following the instructor’s gentle guidance, I felt and watched this homecoming scene play out inside me. I recognized the true and good nature of my mind, coming back into community, like Edmund saved from the clutches of the White Witch. Bruised and contrite, but wiser and purposeful.
I felt the presence of my mind now as a humble, helpful partner, ready to kick in when needed and working in concert with my other senses. And my heart has risen into a ready voice of authentic compassion and comfort. My body, unshackled from longstanding shame and denigration is just now starting to understand the power therein - my body, where mind and spirit marry with flesh, creating a tangible power, generating confidence and stability.
This connection reforged right down the center of my body, revving up like a generator—power extending down into the core of the earth, out through the top of my head and extending through my limbs, my finger and toes.
Is this too much? Too dramatic? I think that’s ok. When we make a psychic shift, why not make a big deal about it? I am a fully integrated ecosystem of being. What could be more important? Let’s share our milestones and progress, friends. Acknowledge it, mark it, give it substance and form, embed it into your memory and celebrate it in community.
